the process of becoming

a blog for twenty-somethings trying to navigate the world and follow your dreams


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I’m not going to apologize for being “crazy”

This post is for the woman.

The woman who was brought up to be guarded, dare I even mention the word “submissive,” and proper.

The woman who felt then—and still does—SO. MANY. EMOTIONS. Who just wanted to be heard, noticed, appreciated. Acknowledged that having those emotions was, and is, perfectly okay. Whether that’s being really really happy, a little (or lot) depressed, or just plain moody.

Whether you were raised in the church to always “guard your heart,” whether your parents or relatives were good at discipline and children had to be “seen not heard,” or whether there was a boy who just couldn’t “handle” your tears, I’m here to tell you not to change.

I’m not going to apologize for being emotional, for feeling everything, for “being crazy.” And neither should you.

You are either 1) not crazy, so stop thinking/saying/feeling that you are, or 2) that “crazy” is the beautiful hot mess that is you—goofiness, wonder, passion, interests—all bursting out during moments of energy. I love it. Keep it up, okay?!

I had a rough time in high school where I couldn’t decide whether sharing my emotions was going to turn people off from being my friend. I was moody, dark, somewhat depressed, and I wore black a LOT (long live the band T-shirts). I knew that I had a lot of empathy for basically everything under the sun, but I didn’t know about anxiety disorders back then or the chemical cause of depression. I thought having a boyfriend meant that he’d take you as you are, emotions and crying episodes and all. I didn’t know how not to feel.

And I remember feeling inadequate when I was rejected for showing my feelings. For being “crazy.”

And then, halfway through college, I realized that I didn’t need to apologize anymore.

I don’t need to apologize to my now husband for bursting into tears unexpectedly. I don’t need to apologize to the world for not feeling well enough to venture into another crowd. For being too anxious to pick up the phone. For feeling depressed.

Men, this doesn’t just apply to women, obviously.

I’m simply referring to the generations before us who taught us that women “shouldn’t” you-fill-in-the-blank.

I’ve slowly and gradually learned that there’s only so much you can do to “self-improve.” Find where that stops and celebrate who you actually are.

There’s no stopping my emotion train, but there is therapy or medication for anxiety disorders for those who need them. And then there’s just really emotional people, and sensitive people, and artsy people. And poets. (I could go on)

And I am so so blessed to have a husband who recognizes me and my emotions for who we are and lets me be me. I’ve stopped apologizing and spent more time bursting into laughter over emotional breakdowns now.

Women, stop being sorry. You are beautiful for all the neurons and brainwaves and things you feel. KEEP FEELING THEM. Don’t apologize.

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the start of something new

Okay, okay.

So I know what you’re thinking. “Another blog? Really Sarah?”

But no. This is serious. I’m 21 now. Let me be an adult. Disregard the fact that I’ve had like, 12 of these things, and then follow me. Because I have a lot to say. About Italy. About life. And about spirituality.

This is not a rant blog. This is life. No expectations (at least not for this blog. Give me grace), just hope and growth.

This is the start of something new, of my, instead of taking control of my life, like many people will start to say, but rather a surrendering of what think I should dwell on and a focus on glorifying God no matter what. This life is really not about me and how I handle this stressful time of senior year. This world is about the Lord and what He is doing.

Here’s what He did today. He showed me that my struggle to grasp understanding is in vain. Uncertainty is a part of my life. I get to deal with it. His presence is the only thing that matters.

“When I tried to understand all this, it troubled me deeply till I entered the sanctuary of God.” (Psalm 73:16-17)

AMEN.

I may be all talk right now, but I don’t want to be. I realize my emotions tend to go wacko and wahhhhhhhhhhh and EVERYTHING IS GOING WRONG but no. This is noooot the case overall. My emotions are situational, but my God is not. He is doing a work in me, and He is doing a work in the world that is soooooooo much greater than I. Yes, I am about being “relevant” and engaged in what He is doing, but ultimately He is the focus, not how I feel about everything going on.

“But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.” (vs 28)

This is a blog of raw reality and spiritual truth. Let God get the glory.