the process of becoming

a blog for twenty-somethings trying to navigate the world and follow your dreams


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when life gets the best of you

March has been a crazy month for me.

One, it is the time to scramble to submit applications, cover letters, resumes, and writing samples to all the publishing houses I have envied and admired for the past few months. I had been waiting for March to come for so long, I panicked when it finally got here. The pressure is now ON. And as time goes on, I am reminded again and again of how under-employed I am and how much I want my literary and publishing dreams to come true. I just need to keep telling myself that life will go on if I don’t get an internship, and I can find other ways to get my foot in the door.

Two, I was reminded by my lovely body of how my biological clock is ticking. That is sarcasm (but really I am totally fine with my body… this is just related to health things I can’t seem to control). I woke up with some serious tooth pain the day after we came back from being out of town. This just after I had researched dentists and picked one out–only to find out that she wasn’t in office on Wednesdays. So I Googled emergency dentists and found one close by that had great hours and specialized in people who just needed to get an issue taken care of.

Turns out, I needed an immediate root canal. Not only am I the biggest baby when it comes to dentists (hence why I haven’t been in a while–that and lack of insurance), but I am an even BIGGER baby when it comes to pain. I haven’t even had my wisdom teeth out yet! After it was over, I went through two complete weeks of mouth and jaw pain, trying painkillers that weren’t working, and all around just being miserable. Lesson learned: I will religiously floss my teeth now. And probably give this place a mixed review, because they didn’t take my pain seriously until after a week, and even now 3 weeks later I am still having pain. Not. Fun.

Lastly, as you may know, I am a caregiver at a very medical group home, so basically every day I am unsure if I will have to call 911, stay with a resident at the hospital, or deal with copious amounts of texts to the house nurse. I plan on doing a humor post about being a PCA soon because I am now at the point where I can laugh about how crazy my job is. But it doesn’t make it any easier.

But here’s what I’m learning: 

I am learning that it’s okay not to have it all together. 

My theme right around two years ago was trying to find a life that is okay while not being okay. (And then I fell in love with Looking for Alaska by John Green). It was when I realized that most of us are dealing with pretty rough things, but life doesn’t even slow down for us. We just have to push through. It’s okay to be honest about the pain you’re going through, but if it’s an every day thing, then express your hope as well. Even if that hope is just looking for the silver lining or enjoying the sunshine for thirty minutes.

I am learning the value in my job and the lives that I assist.

You can tell me that being a PCA is an under-employed filler job. It pretty much is. But there are people who make their careers in working with people who have special needs. I admire them even while I know it’s not for me long term. But instead of wishing I was an employed writer, I’ve decided to start writing about my work and about my friends and co-workers and clients and everyone who is affected by the special needs community, which is everyone. I just finished Me Before You by Jojo Moyes and am running through my head the ideas of the value of life and what makes a life valuable. Which leads me to my last point…

I am learning what life is about and how I want to live mine. 

Who I am, who I’m going to be… those are not questions that end when you find yourself an adult living on your own. Those are ideas I get to ponder my whole life, and I don’t plan on waiting. I’ve decided to stop being apathetic about spiritual growth just because I’m angry at my past and try to move on already. I’m learning that the meaning of life is maybe just to love (and hopefully be loved in return), which means selflessness is a thing that’s not just for the super religious or church enthused (the old me).

(Source: Tumblr)

(Source: Tumblr)

If you’re reading this, basically know that I am still in my 20-something funk, but I’m finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. No… I take that back. I have no idea what that means because I’m pretty sure we never leave the tunnel. To think that one day everything is going to be perfect is a lie. This world is pretty messed up, humans are messy, but there’s beauty found in all of it. I am finding my hope.

When life gets the best of you, find a way to move forward. Floss your teeth, eat more fruit and vegetables, and read good books, all the while trying not to worry as much. We’re so young.


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the jumble of my brain, growing up, and other messes

(Source: Pinterest)

(Source: Pinterest)

Do you ever have something you really really want to say, talk about, or bring up, but you don’t know how to do it?

This is me when it comes to my Christian, fundamental, homeschooled upbringing.

Yes, that is a Lion King quote. But if you’re around my age, maybe you remember and relate to that move as much as I. It was my favorite, and I thought of this quote when writing this post.

I don’t know what to say about my past because I don’t want to bash – I didn’t hate it, and I mean no disrespect to anyone who endorses all that. I love my parents and am thankful for their excellent parenting in many areas (pretty sure I turned out all right!).

But I’m realizing now how much I disagree with many of the books I read, concepts I was taught in churches, and leaders who spoke to me throughout my entire life – including my private, Christian university. I’m having trouble sorting it all out, what’s “good” what’s “bad” (if those categories are even okay!), and whenever I’m asked about it, I want to explode. So many thoughts in this brain.

I’m only a year removed from all of that – a year since graduation. I’m not removed from my faith, I just attend a different church than I did even while at college, and I am surrounded by friends who don’t constantly bring our childhoods up. But when one of us does, and we have childhood stuff in common, it’s like I’m a top that can’t stop spinning. Or we exchange similar memories one on top of the other like caffeinated pre-teens.

I guess I’m writing this post because I literally do not know where to start. I want to share what I am learning and the opinions I am forming about stuff I’ve known about my whole life but that looks so different to me now. I want to talk to 20-somethings who grew up similarly to me, about things we were all taught, about youth groups, Christians who hurt us, Bible verses and concepts that hurt us, books that confused us, maybe even people who judged us. But to talk about it all in order to sort out the good that existed, that came, and that continues.

I’m tired of being angry or hurt.

And I don’t just want to talk about faith and the Christian church. However, that is the lens through which I used to look at every single thing on the planet. So to think about my childhood and teenage years while excluding Christianity is like trying to look through purple sunglasses without seeing any purple. It just can’t be done.

So bear with me, if you are interested, in the jumble of my post-college and growing/changing-of-my-faith brain.

And as I invite you to participate in the ramblings, please don’t hesitate to share your experiences too! I think it’s time our generation spoke up about homeschooling, fundamentalism, the Purity Movement, or whatever burden you are carrying around unspoken about. And then turned it into a conversation about how we can do even better for the next generation.


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why I’m not seeing Fifty Shades of Grey

nope 2Valentine’s Day is at the end of next week, and with it, ironically if you ask me, the movie release of talked-about book Fifty Shades of Grey. 

I am going to tell you why I won’t be going to see that movie, and it’s more than just “I’m poor,” “I have better things to do,” or “Jamie Dornan isn’t hot” (because we all know that’s not true). 

It’s funny it’s coming out on Valentine’s Day because this isn’t a romantic, intimate movie about love. It’s a movie about a twisted view of sex and abuse. And that is not okay for many reasons.

Last Thursday, I watched a Today show bit where Hoda and Kathie Lee interviewed elusive British author E. L. James on how she started writing the novel. They praised her because she wrote it during a mid-life crisis. It was also originally Twilight fan fiction that she self-published before it got discovered. A few reasons why I probably wouldn’t like it either way.

I remember when the book first came out. I was working as a cashier at a very busy Super Target, and I could have sworn 80% of women between the ages of 20 and 40 were purchasing this book. I had no idea what it was about, so naturally I turned to the internet and Wikipedia, where I found the book described as “mommy porn” and was horrified to read this sentence: “[Fifty Shades] is notable for its explicitly erotic scenes featuring elements of sexual practices involving bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, and sadism/masochism (BDSM)” (Wikipedia).

Slow. Down. Think about this for yourself.

Religious convictions aside, is that really something you want to and should be reading, supporting, and now watching? 

No it is not. Erotic fiction sounds and is nothing short of a form of pornography. It may be “different than porn,” and it may be what many women are tempted by because we are generally emotional/intimate beings rather than visual like men. But there’s no justifying it. Despite what the world may say, erotica and porn are harmful. They are harmful to yourself and they are especially harmful to relationships and marriages. And they are harmful to many, many others, BDSM aside!

I am aware that everyone believes different things about sexuality and sex itself. I am aware that I have not made this exclusively a Christian blog or blog for primarily believers. But regardless of my faith and biblical beliefs, I find it disturbing that our culture has accepted and praised this book so readily. And it honestly makes me wary of the future because this will inevitably spark more novels, books, and media about BDSM and other erotic fiction to be embraced widely.

Seems a little bit like our culture can’t make up it’s mind. Do we want to empower, or do we want to abuse? Each gets to decide.

As a feminist, I am not okay with this. As a believer, I am not okay with this. As a woman, I am not okay with this, with the plot, only about “a cold and sadistic millionaire and his seduction of a young, innocent girl into a world of sadomasochistic sex” (from Fight the New Drug’s article on why it’s wrong). I’m not going to get into more of the book, but you get the picture.

I simply want to say that I will not be supporting Fifty Shades, ever, and I want everyone, especially around my age, to be aware of the harm erotica causes. I am passionate about sexual issues like how porn is harmful to men and relationships, bringing awareness about sexual abuse (towards women and men), and ending sexual slavery. Abuse is a real thing, and BSDM is never okay and only fosters abuse down the road! This erotica only feeds sex industries and these problems, and I want no part of that.

Can’t we see how this all is related? Be aware of the small decisions you are making that are part of a bigger, more sinister purpose.

I don’t want to offend those of you who have read it, nor am I judging you and trying to make you feel bad. I just want everyone to think about this and not just be okay with it because our culture suddenly tells us we should.

I could back up much of what I’m saying with research, links, and studies, but many other bloggers are writing about this currently who know more about why this is emotionally, psychologically, and relationally harmful to you. Everyone has a different view on why the movie/book is harmful, and everyone is saying their opinion well.

I’m glad people are talking about this, because honestly the Church needs to be more vocal about issues like this and helping those who have already been affected by it.

Please think about those who are harmed by erotica/abuse before you think about seeing this movie.

See these recommended-by-me links for more information on bringing awareness to the harm of Fifty Shades, told by several different perspectives:

Five Things Fifty Shades of Grey Teaches About Sex

I’m Not Reading Fifty Shades of Grey

Think, Discern, and Wisely Consider

A Black and White Choice Not to Read Fifty Shades of Grey (7 Reasons Not to Read Fifty Shades)

50 Shades is Bad for Your Marriage (mainly for women)